In our study on family conflicts, we will now consider some practical steps to resolve conflicts and maintain peace and harmony in the family.
As marriage involves two people, marital problems can be solved only if both parties work at it. If one person is willing and the other unwilling to settle the issues, the problem will stay alive. Even if one partner does not co- operate in resolving the problems, the other one has to do his/her part. The scripture clearly commands “If it is possible, as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men” (Rom.12:18). Each one should make sure that he/she has done whatever possible to solve the problem. That means, you must do your part regardless of what your partner does. Your obedience to God's word should not depend on others. Believing that God can help, you should go ahead prayerfully in your efforts to bring peace and harmony. God feels hurt with us when the family hurts; because He instituted it and wants to see it run smoothly.
Willingness to face up to the problem is the first thing in conflict management. Don't be afraid to face realities concerning your marriage. Running away from it will only worsen the situation and not solve it. As the leader of the family, naturally it is the husband who should take the initiative in the matter. But if he does not, the wife should come forward to do it. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. Even if you think you are right and your partner is wrong, do not hesitate to take the initiative. Remember that Christ took the initiative to restore relationship with us, though He was right, and we were wrong.
Defining the problem and getting to the root of it is the next step. Conflicts in a relationship need to be identified. Talk over the issue openly. Identification and Communication of feelings is necessary. It is important to see the problem from the other person's viewpoint. You should put yourselves 'in the shoes of the other' and try and understand what your mate is going through. Seek to understand than to be understood. Do not guess what your mate meant by saying something. You may be wrong. Ask and find out the real sense of what is said. Coming to your own conclusions is dangerous. Be willing always to listen to each other's feelings, even if you disagree with the appropriateness of those feelings.
Never allow emotions to take over; they should always be kept under control. Attack the problem without attacking the person. Talk calmly without raising your voice. Remember that anger prevents understanding and leads to resentment and bitterness.
Do not counterattack, even if your mate misbehaves. That will only add fuel to the fire. Refuse to retaliate and respond with goodness. Proper conduct from one's side is likely to encourage the other person also to behave properly.
“Fools show all their anger, but the wise hold it back” (Proverbs 29:11- common English Bible). Proverbs 15:18 says, A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention (NASB). In the discussion, care should be taken to avoid such topics that would serve as a catalyst to spark an argument. Don't keep bringing up such topics one after another, not allowing the conflict to end. Talk only what is necessary and relevant. Do not follow the general attitude “In conflicts, the other person is always wrong”. Consider all the factors in a conflict before coming to a conclusion. Do not make derogatory remarks about your spouse or his/her parents and relatives. The Bible says that only one who lacks sense will despise another (Proverbs 11:12). As you pray and ask the help of God, barriers erected between you and your spouse will come down. Family is a team. You win or lose together. It is wrong to think that conflicts are over when one wins and the other loses. If that happens, they both lose. Remember that you are not in competition with each other and there is no personal triumph here.
Once the matters are discussed, the next step is reconciliation. This would involve acknowledging failures and apologizing to each other. Both the partners need to humble themselves and seek forgiveness. As every human relationship involves two sinners, there is the need for forgiveness. There is no perfect husband or perfect wife. “Two forgivers make the best marriage”. Be willing to say, “I am sorry”. When we see our own faults clearly, it is easier to put up with the faults of our partner. “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” is the biblical command. (Col.3:13)
Eph.4:32 also instructs us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”. The reason why we do not forgive is that we have lost the awe and wonder of the forgiveness we received from God. Forgiveness frees others and us from emotional hurts. When I forgive, I gain the most. Confession should first be made to God and then to the spouse. Having settled the issues, both must agree not even to disagree in the non- essentials and move on in harmony to the essential purpose of life. There should be a definite commitment and determination to love each other unconditionally. Never bring up past issues. “What is forgiven is forgotten” should be your policy.
Recognize that marriage is a life-long commitment, just as Christ is eternally committed to His bride, the Church. Henceforth treat each other as the Scripture instructs “with lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, forbearing in love” Eph.4:1,2 “... be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you lookout not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Phil.2:2-4
In the case of some couples, personality differences may have sparked the troubles. Remember: Being different does not mean being wrong. Some of our differences need to be changed if they are destructive and annoying or objectionable to our partner. The only person I can change is myself. We must be willing to make changes/ sacrifices for our partner.
God can use these conflicts to break us, teach us humility and mould us into the likeness of His son. Rom.8:28, 29. These are opportunities to learn dying to self-centeredness and growing in Christ-centeredness.
Let every couple make this fourfold commitment before God for the blessing of our families.
1. We commit ourselves to abide by Biblical principles in all areas of our family life.
2. We will resolve at the earliest, every conflict that comes up and maintain intimacy.
3. We commit ourselves to fulfill all the legitimate needs of our partner.
4. We decide to pray together, in addition to family prayer with the children.
GOD CAN BRING HEALING AND MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE STRONGER THAN BEFORE NO MATTER HOW BROKEN THE MARRIAGE IS.
No marriage is beyond repair for God. Failure is not final with God.
As marriage involves two people, marital problems can be solved only if both parties work at it. If one person is willing and the other unwilling to settle the issues, the problem will stay alive. Even if one partner does not co- operate in resolving the problems, the other one has to do his/her part. The scripture clearly commands “If it is possible, as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men” (Rom.12:18). Each one should make sure that he/she has done whatever possible to solve the problem. That means, you must do your part regardless of what your partner does. Your obedience to God's word should not depend on others. Believing that God can help, you should go ahead prayerfully in your efforts to bring peace and harmony. God feels hurt with us when the family hurts; because He instituted it and wants to see it run smoothly.
Willingness to face up to the problem is the first thing in conflict management. Don't be afraid to face realities concerning your marriage. Running away from it will only worsen the situation and not solve it. As the leader of the family, naturally it is the husband who should take the initiative in the matter. But if he does not, the wife should come forward to do it. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. Even if you think you are right and your partner is wrong, do not hesitate to take the initiative. Remember that Christ took the initiative to restore relationship with us, though He was right, and we were wrong.
Defining the problem and getting to the root of it is the next step. Conflicts in a relationship need to be identified. Talk over the issue openly. Identification and Communication of feelings is necessary. It is important to see the problem from the other person's viewpoint. You should put yourselves 'in the shoes of the other' and try and understand what your mate is going through. Seek to understand than to be understood. Do not guess what your mate meant by saying something. You may be wrong. Ask and find out the real sense of what is said. Coming to your own conclusions is dangerous. Be willing always to listen to each other's feelings, even if you disagree with the appropriateness of those feelings.
Never allow emotions to take over; they should always be kept under control. Attack the problem without attacking the person. Talk calmly without raising your voice. Remember that anger prevents understanding and leads to resentment and bitterness.
Do not counterattack, even if your mate misbehaves. That will only add fuel to the fire. Refuse to retaliate and respond with goodness. Proper conduct from one's side is likely to encourage the other person also to behave properly.
“Fools show all their anger, but the wise hold it back” (Proverbs 29:11- common English Bible). Proverbs 15:18 says, A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention (NASB). In the discussion, care should be taken to avoid such topics that would serve as a catalyst to spark an argument. Don't keep bringing up such topics one after another, not allowing the conflict to end. Talk only what is necessary and relevant. Do not follow the general attitude “In conflicts, the other person is always wrong”. Consider all the factors in a conflict before coming to a conclusion. Do not make derogatory remarks about your spouse or his/her parents and relatives. The Bible says that only one who lacks sense will despise another (Proverbs 11:12). As you pray and ask the help of God, barriers erected between you and your spouse will come down. Family is a team. You win or lose together. It is wrong to think that conflicts are over when one wins and the other loses. If that happens, they both lose. Remember that you are not in competition with each other and there is no personal triumph here.
Once the matters are discussed, the next step is reconciliation. This would involve acknowledging failures and apologizing to each other. Both the partners need to humble themselves and seek forgiveness. As every human relationship involves two sinners, there is the need for forgiveness. There is no perfect husband or perfect wife. “Two forgivers make the best marriage”. Be willing to say, “I am sorry”. When we see our own faults clearly, it is easier to put up with the faults of our partner. “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” is the biblical command. (Col.3:13)
Eph.4:32 also instructs us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”. The reason why we do not forgive is that we have lost the awe and wonder of the forgiveness we received from God. Forgiveness frees others and us from emotional hurts. When I forgive, I gain the most. Confession should first be made to God and then to the spouse. Having settled the issues, both must agree not even to disagree in the non- essentials and move on in harmony to the essential purpose of life. There should be a definite commitment and determination to love each other unconditionally. Never bring up past issues. “What is forgiven is forgotten” should be your policy.
Recognize that marriage is a life-long commitment, just as Christ is eternally committed to His bride, the Church. Henceforth treat each other as the Scripture instructs “with lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, forbearing in love” Eph.4:1,2 “... be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you lookout not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Phil.2:2-4
In the case of some couples, personality differences may have sparked the troubles. Remember: Being different does not mean being wrong. Some of our differences need to be changed if they are destructive and annoying or objectionable to our partner. The only person I can change is myself. We must be willing to make changes/ sacrifices for our partner.
God can use these conflicts to break us, teach us humility and mould us into the likeness of His son. Rom.8:28, 29. These are opportunities to learn dying to self-centeredness and growing in Christ-centeredness.
Let every couple make this fourfold commitment before God for the blessing of our families.
1. We commit ourselves to abide by Biblical principles in all areas of our family life.
2. We will resolve at the earliest, every conflict that comes up and maintain intimacy.
3. We commit ourselves to fulfill all the legitimate needs of our partner.
4. We decide to pray together, in addition to family prayer with the children.
GOD CAN BRING HEALING AND MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE STRONGER THAN BEFORE NO MATTER HOW BROKEN THE MARRIAGE IS.
No marriage is beyond repair for God. Failure is not final with God.
– John Kurian
