A proper understanding about the conflicts that can come up in a family and the wisdom to handle them is essential to a growing, healthy family life. 'Good marriages do not have problems' is a false concept. Husbands and wives often suffer strained relationships. There may be cases where the husband and wife may not be quarrelling over many things; but they may lack the intimacy that God intended them to have as life partners. Disagreements are sure to happen in a marriage, but they do not have to lead to divorce or separation. It is to be remembered that love is not the absence of conflict and conflict is not the absence of love. All marriages have problems, and all problems have solutions. The couples can work through these problems and come to a point of agreement restoring the love and intimacy in a marriage. It is wrong to say that quality marriages happen to a fortunate few. Remember that good marriages are cultivated; they do not happen automatically.
God is hurt most, when things go wrong in a marriage, because He invented it. The good news is that the inventor Himself has given us rules to conduct it and guidelines to resolve the problems that come. We cannot expect to have a trouble-free marriage, but we can always seek God's help and guidance in handling these problems and trust Him to lead us victoriously through them. Struggles of daily life are a part of God's way of shaping us into His image as Rom. 8:29 teaches us. God smoothes out the rough spots in our character as we bump against each other and use these opportunities to produce the character of His son in our lives. Our problems can be turned into projects that shape us into the likeness of Christ.
Many conflicts end up in disaster, simply because they are not handled properly leading to a solution. It is not what happens to you but how you handle it that matters. The happiest couples are the ones who understand that life is full of problems and the key to happiness is learning how to respond to them and handling them right. Conflicts are not necessarily destructive to good marriages. A Christian Home is a place where members admit and understand the problem of their failures and imperfections. It is a place where they know what to do about it and as a result grow by grace.
There is no perfect husband or wife in this world. Forget about perfection and pursue progress. We may not be perfect, but we can be successful. Once Dr. Billy Graham said of his marriage “We do not have a perfect marriage; but we have a great one.”
Why do conflicts arise? Let us look at some reasons. Since we are all children of Adam with a fallen, sinful nature, we are selfish, proud, and arrogant basically. We get irritated and disturbed when our self is hurt. Romans 7:18 teaches that nothing good dwells in our flesh.
People enter marital relationships from all different back grounds. Vast distinctions exist between the ways individuals are raised and the value systems that are instilled at a young age. This makes conflicts almost inevitable. It is quite natural that they have disagreements on many issues as their perspectives are different.
We also know that no two people in the world think alike. We are all different and to add to all this, there are many psychological differences between men and women. Therefore, there are differences in the way we think and respond to life situations. Every marriage has its own unique sources of conflict; but there are some common issues that cause conflicts in many marriages.
Lack of understanding one another is a major cause of conflict. Taking time and interest to learn the nature, strength and weakness of your partner and the psychological differences can help in overcoming this hurdle.
Lack of proper communication between husband and wife is another cause of trouble. Deliberate effort should be made to spend time together for open sharing. Harboring one's own thoughts for long may bring misunderstanding and coldness. Therefore, anything that causes disharmony should be shared at the earliest opportunity. When communication breaks down, each one is left to one's own thoughts and imaginations. Each one tries to understand facts and motives on one's own. One's own imaginations and conclusions can be wrong.
Wrong priorities that husbands and wives maintain can lead to trouble. Give your partner his/her due place and this problem can be solved. Make sure that your partner is never ignored or pushed back to the rear seat. Never let your partner feel that she/he is not important.
Wrong reactions can cause trouble and aggravate problems.Prov.15:1; 29:11. Anger prevents understanding and leads to resentment and bitterness. It is important to react calmly without raising your voice. “Speak the truth in love (Eph.4:15) is the biblical command. (If you have a short temper, admit, and confess your anger and the need for God's help.)
Resentment can be built up in the mind of one of the spouses if he or she is not getting his or her sexual needs met for a prolonged period of time. Many husbands may feel neglected especially with the birth of a child into the family, when the wife gets busy with her duties as a mother. Partners need to openly talk to each other about the degree of physical intimacy needed and establish a mutual agreement in this matter.
Another reason that causes conflict in many homes is the feeling that the husband (mainly true in the Indian cultural context) is not doing his share of the domestic duties or household responsibilities. Husbands must take special care to see that they give a helping hand to their wives.
Another common cause for trouble is the 'overly' attachment of one spouse to his or her parents and relatives. The other party would feel that she or he is less important than the relatives. In-laws and extended family are a cause of common marital fights, especially in the Indian context. Remember that your partner should take priority over all other relationships right from the point of marriage.
When a partner behaves in a very selfish way and lives an ego-centric life without any regard for the needs of the other, it becomes a cause for conflict. The example of the Lord Jesus in Mark 10:45 is to be remembered here. One must be willing to serve and meet the need of the other than expect to be served.
If our relationship with our spouse is not vibrant, healthy, and ever growing, there is the possibility of 'getting bored' in the marriage. This will be strongly felt when the husband and wife are left alone, after the children grow big and leave the house.
The physical and psychological problems associated with 'the mid- life crises' often serve as a catalyst to spark troubles between the partners. Women may be affected more in this phase-of-life crisis. Issues that come up during this period should be handled carefully with lot of understanding and sympathy. Special grace is needed to handle this situation.
God knows all about the problems in our families and the hurt and sorrow we feel. He is not distant, indifferent, or passive. He wants to come to our rescue and stand with us. He is ever ready to help us overcome the problems, if only we will turn to Him for help.
Many couples have quarreled so long that they have lost all hopes of reconciliation. They resign themselves to a life of despair and give up all attempts to resolves the issues. They conclude that they have to live with these problems for the rest of their lives and some of them see divorce or separation as an outlet.
Couples need to believe that, by God's help and power, they can resolve their marriage problems if both parties will really work at it.
God is hurt most, when things go wrong in a marriage, because He invented it. The good news is that the inventor Himself has given us rules to conduct it and guidelines to resolve the problems that come. We cannot expect to have a trouble-free marriage, but we can always seek God's help and guidance in handling these problems and trust Him to lead us victoriously through them. Struggles of daily life are a part of God's way of shaping us into His image as Rom. 8:29 teaches us. God smoothes out the rough spots in our character as we bump against each other and use these opportunities to produce the character of His son in our lives. Our problems can be turned into projects that shape us into the likeness of Christ.
Many conflicts end up in disaster, simply because they are not handled properly leading to a solution. It is not what happens to you but how you handle it that matters. The happiest couples are the ones who understand that life is full of problems and the key to happiness is learning how to respond to them and handling them right. Conflicts are not necessarily destructive to good marriages. A Christian Home is a place where members admit and understand the problem of their failures and imperfections. It is a place where they know what to do about it and as a result grow by grace.
There is no perfect husband or wife in this world. Forget about perfection and pursue progress. We may not be perfect, but we can be successful. Once Dr. Billy Graham said of his marriage “We do not have a perfect marriage; but we have a great one.”
Why do conflicts arise? Let us look at some reasons. Since we are all children of Adam with a fallen, sinful nature, we are selfish, proud, and arrogant basically. We get irritated and disturbed when our self is hurt. Romans 7:18 teaches that nothing good dwells in our flesh.
People enter marital relationships from all different back grounds. Vast distinctions exist between the ways individuals are raised and the value systems that are instilled at a young age. This makes conflicts almost inevitable. It is quite natural that they have disagreements on many issues as their perspectives are different.
We also know that no two people in the world think alike. We are all different and to add to all this, there are many psychological differences between men and women. Therefore, there are differences in the way we think and respond to life situations. Every marriage has its own unique sources of conflict; but there are some common issues that cause conflicts in many marriages.
Lack of understanding one another is a major cause of conflict. Taking time and interest to learn the nature, strength and weakness of your partner and the psychological differences can help in overcoming this hurdle.
Lack of proper communication between husband and wife is another cause of trouble. Deliberate effort should be made to spend time together for open sharing. Harboring one's own thoughts for long may bring misunderstanding and coldness. Therefore, anything that causes disharmony should be shared at the earliest opportunity. When communication breaks down, each one is left to one's own thoughts and imaginations. Each one tries to understand facts and motives on one's own. One's own imaginations and conclusions can be wrong.
Wrong priorities that husbands and wives maintain can lead to trouble. Give your partner his/her due place and this problem can be solved. Make sure that your partner is never ignored or pushed back to the rear seat. Never let your partner feel that she/he is not important.
Wrong reactions can cause trouble and aggravate problems.Prov.15:1; 29:11. Anger prevents understanding and leads to resentment and bitterness. It is important to react calmly without raising your voice. “Speak the truth in love (Eph.4:15) is the biblical command. (If you have a short temper, admit, and confess your anger and the need for God's help.)
Resentment can be built up in the mind of one of the spouses if he or she is not getting his or her sexual needs met for a prolonged period of time. Many husbands may feel neglected especially with the birth of a child into the family, when the wife gets busy with her duties as a mother. Partners need to openly talk to each other about the degree of physical intimacy needed and establish a mutual agreement in this matter.
Another reason that causes conflict in many homes is the feeling that the husband (mainly true in the Indian cultural context) is not doing his share of the domestic duties or household responsibilities. Husbands must take special care to see that they give a helping hand to their wives.
Another common cause for trouble is the 'overly' attachment of one spouse to his or her parents and relatives. The other party would feel that she or he is less important than the relatives. In-laws and extended family are a cause of common marital fights, especially in the Indian context. Remember that your partner should take priority over all other relationships right from the point of marriage.
When a partner behaves in a very selfish way and lives an ego-centric life without any regard for the needs of the other, it becomes a cause for conflict. The example of the Lord Jesus in Mark 10:45 is to be remembered here. One must be willing to serve and meet the need of the other than expect to be served.
If our relationship with our spouse is not vibrant, healthy, and ever growing, there is the possibility of 'getting bored' in the marriage. This will be strongly felt when the husband and wife are left alone, after the children grow big and leave the house.
The physical and psychological problems associated with 'the mid- life crises' often serve as a catalyst to spark troubles between the partners. Women may be affected more in this phase-of-life crisis. Issues that come up during this period should be handled carefully with lot of understanding and sympathy. Special grace is needed to handle this situation.
God knows all about the problems in our families and the hurt and sorrow we feel. He is not distant, indifferent, or passive. He wants to come to our rescue and stand with us. He is ever ready to help us overcome the problems, if only we will turn to Him for help.
Many couples have quarreled so long that they have lost all hopes of reconciliation. They resign themselves to a life of despair and give up all attempts to resolves the issues. They conclude that they have to live with these problems for the rest of their lives and some of them see divorce or separation as an outlet.
Couples need to believe that, by God's help and power, they can resolve their marriage problems if both parties will really work at it.
– John Kurian
